her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
