I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
