There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
