his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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