so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
