This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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