Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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