You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
