She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
