I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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