I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When are your genitals available?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
