I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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