I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
