are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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