I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
