using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Randomize
