I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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