my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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