Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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