I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
