I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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