you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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