My sheets look like a crime scene.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
