At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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