I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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