I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
