It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
