bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
