Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
