I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
