I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize