But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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