So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
