at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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