Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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