lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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