You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
