I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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