you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
