All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
