I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
