So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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