Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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