You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize