Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
