Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
