I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
