FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
