i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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