Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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