Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize