dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
