i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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