My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
