I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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