I hate your face
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
