i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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