Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
