Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
