So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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