i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
