Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
