can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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